


Home isn't always a place

by Of_stars_and_moon



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Gen, M/M, More In Notes, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, like mostly everything is the same except soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:34:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29554983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_stars_and_moon/pseuds/Of_stars_and_moon
Summary: Adam and Ronan are emphatic soulmates since they were 8, what will happen when they meet?(updates weekly)
Relationships: Noah Czerny/Henry Cheng, Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 46
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a pynch soulmate au for a while now so this happened. It's gonna be over 30k I think and it's gonna be updated weekly as it's almost complete because idk what writing in chronological order is, and its gonna be sorta canon divergence with some added thing like  
> -soulbonding of course where they feel part of each others' feelings  
> -artist ronan  
> -singer and skater noah  
> -lots of hurt/comfort  
> -lots of pining  
> -lots of found family with the gangsey and foxway ladies  
> -oh and pets!

Ronan Lynch found out about soulmates when he was 8 years old. 

It went something like this: he would usually feel upset around the evenings or nights. He didn't even know why he felt like that when nothing had happened to upset him. And sometimes he would feel mixed things. Like he would be playing with his brothers so he would be happy, but there would be a heavy feeling in his chest. Then, because he was frustrated at not knowing why he felt upset, he would get angry. His parents started noticing his behaviour and he’d hear them whisper in worried tunes. Then one day his mother made him sit down on her bed when his dad was gone for work again, and she asked about his different behaviour. 

“I don't know why I feel like this,” he told her. “I just get sad for no reason then I get angry at being sad.”

His mother looked thoughtful before gently saying, “Ronan, we think you might be soulbound.”

“What's that?” he asked, frowning. The word sounded familiar.

“It's when you can feel a part of your soulmate's emotions,” his mother explained. “Like your dad and I can.”

“I have a soulmate?” Ronan exclaimed, stunned. He knew his parents were soulmates but he didn't really know what it entailed. They hadn't told him much about it yet. 

His mother nodded. “It's not that rare to be soulbound, but it's not usually at a young age.”

“Why?” Ronan asked. 

“I don’t know. There are many theories about soulmates but no one is really certain about it.”

His mind was reeling by her words. He was elevated that he had a soulmate, but at the same time, his heart sank as he realised that he had only felt their sad emotions. “Wait, you mean my soulmate is sad?” Ronan asked.

His mother looked worried but she nodded again. “But it doesn’t mean they are always sad. Soulmates can usually only feel really strong emotions and distance influences it too. So they might be happy often but you can’t feel it because it's not that strong.”

Ronan knew she was saying that to comfort him. If he could feel it when his soulmate was sad, why wasn’t their happiness strong enough to feel as well? “How does this work? I mean, will I ever meet them?”

“Most probably. There are really rare cases that never meet, or-” She stopped, shaking her head and Ronan had a feeling she almost said something she didn’t want him to know yet. “Some can hear each other's thoughts too sometimes.”

“Really?” Ronan asked, excitedly. He could try to talk to them and then ask them what was wrong.

She probably knew what he was thinking as she said, “But that’s very hard, love. It requires a lot of concentration and it leaves a bad headache.”

“But I want to try,” he said, then screwed his eyes shut in concentration. He thought of “hello” really hard in his head, but he didn't know if it worked. 

As he opened his eyes, his mother asked, “Does your head ache or feel heavy?”

He shook his head dejected and couldn't stop himself from pouting. “I want to ask them what was wrong.”

“It's alright, love. Maybe they are just stressed because of exams or something,” his mother said in a comforting voice. “And if you want, you can still help them.” 

Ronan perked up at that. “I can?”

“Yes, you can. Since they will feel your emotions too, if you do things that make you happy, they’ll feel a little happy too.”

“I'll go and color my drawing book! That makes me happy,” Ronan said, bouncing on his feet at the thought that he could help them. 

“That's great,” his mother said, smiling. “Also we had thought to explain to you boys about soulmates after you turned ten, but since i had to tell you now already, I'm going to tell your brothers too. Would it be okay if I told them that you’re soulbound?”

“Yeah, that's fine with me.” Ronan shrugged and ran up to his room to color his drawing and make his soulmate happy. 

\---

Adam Parrish only knew of soulmates from books till he was eight. 

It went something like this: His parents didn't talk about soulmates. He didn't know if they were soulbound or not, and he never asked. Usually, he assumed they weren’t, that's why they didn't talk about it. But sometimes, when his father got angry and he hoped that his mother would do something and she didn't, but would rather say that she had warned Adam not to make his father angry, he thought that maybe the hardness in her eyes was because of his father's anger influencing her and not her own. Maybe that was just his naive hope, he didn't know. 

He had read about soulmates in books when he went to the library. He often went there to do his homework and the teacher there always talked to him with kindness and often gave him cookies, so he really liked spending time there. Sometimes after he had finished his homework, she would give him small story books to read and after a while, she let him choose books himself. That's how he found the books about soulmates and theories about that. It was a really nice thing, he thought, that there was someone out there meant for you and that their emotions were partially connected to yours and you could feel their happiness, but at the same time, their anger and frustration could influence you and that didn't seem like a good thing to Adam at all. 

At first he hadn't thought he would have a soulmate. He didn't know what was the exact reason for that, maybe because he thought his parents weren't, maybe because when he felt like a burden to his own parents, he didn't understand how someone else would love him, maybe he didn't want someone else to have to feel his fear and sadness, maybe because it was too much hope to believe that there was someone for him. 

But then one evening as he sat outside with one of the stray puppies cuddled in his lap, he felt a sudden light feeling in his chest and he gasped. It was like the excitement he felt when studying something he liked and also like the relaxation when he read the story books. He knew it wasn't his own, because his jaw was still sore and his hands were still shaking. So it meant it had to be his soulmate’s. It meant he had a soulmate. It meant that there was someone out there for him. It meant that he wasn't alone. 

He leaned his head back against the side of the trailer and kept all his focus on the feeling. He had read that soulbound emotions were mostly prominent in your chest and their intensity and influence depended on how strongly your soulmate was feeling it and the distance between soulmates. He didn't know if the emotion was strong or if it was the distance, or he was just too happy to know that he had a soulmate, but he felt so lighter and he was smiling despite the ache in his jaw. 

“I have a soulmate,” he told the puppy in an excited whisper. 

She looked up at him and tilted her head to a side. She had been coming here for some months now and he knew she wasn't technically his pet, he couldn't have that and that's why he didn't name her, but he loved her and it was nice to talk to her. 

Probably sensing the upliftment in his mood, she barked happily and nuzzled his cheek. 

For the first few weeks, he thought it was a coincidence that his soulmate was usually happy around the same time that Adam either sat outside in the dark with the dog or in his room trying to stay quiet and ignore the pain, but then it kept happening so he read more books about soulbonding and found out that soulmates sometimes helped each other feel better when they felt the other’s sadness. He wanted to tell himself that it was still just a coincidence so he wouldn't get his hopes up but when it kept happening, he started to believe that maybe they were doing this for him. It was really nice to know that they were out there somewhere and they cared about him enough to try to make him feel better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the support on the first chapter!

Initially Adam wanted to meet his soulmate soon to thank them and get to be with them, but as he grew up and with every passing day, his dream of leaving Henrietta turned into a need, he started wishing he would meet them after leaving. Because at fourteen years old, he knew he couldn't stay here and he didn't want them to be something he had to lose just after finding them. 

But sometimes after a bad day, when everything felt meaningless and the relaxed feeling in his chest was the only thing he had, he wished he could just run away from here and go to them. 

Right now, he sat outside the trailer wondering if the dog would be here. She didn't usually come around at night but he wanted to see her. He needed to think about something else instead of the pain and the bruises he would have to hide tomorrow. 

He dropped his head on his arms and suddenly felt the happy feeling that had become familiar now filling his chest. It wasn't like the past times his soulmate helped, they were less intense than this; it was like the joy he felt the first time the dog had let him pet her but tenfold. He instinctively looked up to see if she was here but of course she wasn't, it was his soulmate. ‘What were they doing?’ he wondered as the feeling relaxed him. Maybe they had pets and were with them? 

Realising questioning that wasn't important right now, he let himself sink in the feeling. He never knew when he would meet them, but he wanted to thank them. Thinking back to everything he had read about exchanging thoughts, he closed his eyes and concentrated hard on the feeling and connection. 

_ ‘Thank you,’ _ he thought and felt a headache forming in his head immediately.  _ ‘For everything.’ _

He didn't need the headache to know that it worked because instantly he felt excitement flood in his chest, matching his own. He was able to talk to them. 

He hadn't been expecting to get anything back, so as his ears echoed with a,  _ “Don't mention it” _ his eyes snapped open. He had known he liked both girls and boys, so it wasn't a surprise to hear a boy's voice, but it was a surprise to hear something back, and more than that, acknowledgment that he had been doing this for Adam. All this time, what Adam believed was true. He let out a relieved breath, the excitement still thrumming in him, and rubbed his forehead. He wanted to say more but his head was aching and he had an early shift at the coffee shop tomorrow so he decided to go back inside and sleep. He would face whatever came tomorrow, and he had his soulmate to help too. 

\--- 

Ronan had woken up in a good mood and he hadn't felt his soulmate being sad either so the day had been going good. 

Until the evening, that is.

It had almost become a routine now. Most days around evenings, Ronan felt a sense of dread and fear in his chest and he would try to draw something to relax his soulmate or prod his brothers to play with him, some days it seemed to work and the feeling would fade away slowly and turn into relief, but some days it would get worse and turn into crushing sadness.

Today the sadness and worry had been so much, Ronan had known drawing wouldn't help much, so he had gone to one of the barns with cookies and sat with all the cats there. He had always loved sitting with them so he had hoped it would help his soulmate. And it did; he slowly felt the sadness subside, not completely though but it was something. 

Then suddenly there was a soft voice filled with Henrietta accent echoing a  _ “Thank you. For everything” _ in his head and Ronan sat up so suddenly he startled the cats sitting on his lap, who meowed in indignation. 

“Holy shit. I...” 

He just heard his soulmate. His soulmate just talked to him. It was a boy's voice— that part he had started suspecting. He had an Henrietta accent. 

Fuck. 

Still processing all that, Ronan almost forgot to reply, but then quickly thought back,  _ ‘Don't mention it’ _

There was a sharp pain in his head and disbelief in his chest, which meant it worked. “I did it! It worked!” he exclaimed to himself. The cats gave him unimpressed looks but he ignored that, instead focusing on asking ‘Are you okay?’ in his mind.

His headache didn't increase though and he frowned. How would he know if he worked now? He got up, deciding to ask his mom about it. There was a relaxed sort of feeling in his chest now, but more couldn't hurt, so he picked up one of the cats in his arms as he left the barns. 

His mother was sitting in the living room and she looked up from the book she was reading when he entered.

“Mom, we talked!” he announced. “I mean not exactly but we did!”

“Honey, what are you talking about?” his mother asked, confused. 

Taking a deep breath, Ronan explained, “I was sitting with the cats to make them feel better and I heard them! They said thank you and I told them it was nothing. But, I don't think it worked after that.”

“Ronan, that's great! I told you that's very hard, so it usually only works for some time. But I'm glad they did that,” she told him. “But your head must be aching. Come here, I'll give you a massage.”

He laid down on the sofa with his head on her lap and the cat curled on his chest, as she started stroking his hair softly. His mind was still thinking back to everything, and his pulse fluttered every time he thought of his voice again. 

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“It was a boy’s voice.”

“Oh,” his mother said. “Are you surprised?” she asked gently. 

“Not really,” he replied. 

“Alright,” she said. “I'm glad you told me.”

“It's not- You don't have a problem?”

Her hand stilled in his hair for a brief moment before continuing. “Of course not, love. It doesn't matter if it's a boy, I'm just happy that you could talk to him. And one day, you two will meet and be happy.”

“He… he had an henrietta accent,” Ronan said, the full extent of that only hitting him now. He felt breathless. “He’s- he probably lives near.”

“That's brilliant,” she said with a happy smile. “You’ll find each other soon then.”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling giddily. “We will.” 

She continued stroking his hair, as his mind was running with thoughts. “Mom, you know how we feel content when we are with each other?”

“Yeah?”

“I... I haven't felt him feel like that much,” he said.

“Oh,” she breathed out and when he looked up, her face was complicated. 

“Do you… do you think he doesn't have a family?”

“Maybe,” she said slowly. “Or maybe it's not like ours.”

“You mean…?”

“Not all parents are good," she said, her face grim. 

He had suspected that, but he didn't want it to be true. He wanted his soulmate to be happy and content because that's what families were supposed to be like. He couldn't imagine living in a family that didn't care for him. He sat up, making the cat jump off his chest. “Is there nothing we can do?”

“Till we don't know who he is, we can't,” his mother answered sadly. “But you are helping him you know?”

“I want to help more,” Ronan said. 

“I know, sweetheart. If you talk to him again, tell him that we’re here.” 

“Okay.”

“Come here,” his mother said, motioning to her lap and he laid down again as she stroked his hair.

He wished they would meet soon. He would always keep him happy and one day bring him to the Barns. 

He looked up at the sound as his brothers walked into the living room as well. “Why did you bring a cat in?” Matthew asked, sitting on the edge near Ronan's legs. “You guys never let me because dad is allergic.”

“He won't be back for another week,” Ronan said with a careful shrug so that he wouldn't disturb the cat. “So I figured I could.”

“You’ve been there with the cats a lot lately, is one of them hurt or something?” Declan asked. 

Ronan knew he was asking that because when the animals used to be sick, the three of them stay there till late at night. “No, they are fine,” he replied, tilting his head to look at Declan. Then after some consideration, said, “My soulmate isn’t feeling good lately so since this makes me feel better, I thought it would help them.”

Declan didn’t look surprised by it, he just nodded as Mathew said, “Oh that's amazing! I mean you helping them. Next time, I'll come along with you.” 

"Thanks," Ronan said. 

"What about you?" Mathew asked Declan. "How is your soulmate?" 

Declan had told them when he became soulbound two years ago (well he had told mom and she had told the others), but he didn't talk about it like Ronan did, well he didn't also talk about it much other than to his mom but when they used to ask him why he's looking so worried, or why he was staying up late drawing, he would tell them it was for his soulmate. 

"They probably live quite far," Declan answered, "As it's not that strong. So I don't know how much I help them when they are sad." 

“Declan,” their mom said, giving Declan a look which made Ronan assume that they probably had this conversation before. 

“What do you do to help them?” Matthew asked him. 

“Read or write something,” he replied. 

“You write?” Matthew and Ronan asked the same time.

At Declan’s nod, Mathew asked, “Can we see? I wanna read it!”

“Well, it's usually just short things that I think of, but I'm writing a story right now.”

“Yes show us!” Mathew said excitedly and Declan and only hesitated briefly before getting up with a nod. 

He came back with a journal and their mom said, “Oh this is one of my favorites.”

“You’ve read it?” Mathew asked her. 

“Of course,” she replied, “I’ve read everything he wrote. Even the ones he now says he wishes he never did.”

“Which ones are that?” Ronan asked, grinning at the look of mortification on his brother’s face. 

“You’ll never know,” said Declan, “Because they are in the attic with your old drawings. I can bring the drawing though.” This time, he smirked as Ronan shook his head quickly. 

“Mom, can you read this to us?” he asked, changing the subject. 

“Sure,” she said and began reading in her best story voice. Ronan didnt know how long they stayed there, sitting around her as she read, but it was definitely not enough when she stopped  _ in the middle of a fucking scene _ .

“Why did you stop?” Mathew asked. 

“This is it till now,” she replied. 

“What do you mean ‘this is it’?” Ronan asked, raising his head from her lap. The cat again jumped off his chest and went to Mathew's lap.

“It's only written till here.”

“Wait where’s the rest of it?” he asked.

“In Declan’s head,” she said with a chuckle. 

He turned to Declan and impatiently asked, “What happens after this?”

“I can't tell you that.”

“But why not!” he whined. “I wanna know.” 

“Me too,” Mathew agreed. 

Declan shook his head. “I can't just tell you the plot. There's no fun in that.” 

“Yeah you’re supposed to find out what happens as the story progresses,” their mom said. 

“When are you writing more then?” he asked Declan, trying his best to imitate Mathew’s voice. 

“Yes this is so cool, I wanna read more,” Mathew said, looking at Declan with pleading eyes which Ronan knew he wouldn't be able to pull off. 

Declan actually looked taken aback by their response, and Ronan didn't understand why. His story had  _ dragons _ . “I can finish this scene by tomorrow I guess,” Declan said. 

“Fuck yes,” Ronan said, then smiled apolegtically at his mom’s stern, “Language.”

“I can write a bit right now,” Declan said. “I usually write before sleeping.”

“That's amazing!” Mathew said excitedly and took the journal from their mom and handed it to Declan, who took out a pen from his pocket and who the hell kept a pen in their pocket all the time? Ronan didn't roam around with his colors. 

Thinking of his colors gave him an idea. So he asked, “Do you mind if I draw something based on it?”

Declan looked up from the journal and gave Ronan a look of disbelief. “Do I  _ mind _ ?” he repeated like Ronan was crazy for asking that. “You’re gonna- you wanna draw something based on it?”

“Yeah,” Ronan said. “The dragon sounds cool so I wanna draw it.”

Declan blinked, before his face broke into the happiest smile Ronan had seen on him lately. “That would be amazing,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ronan comes into the world of wips and he is not happy XD And writer declan hc just came to me suddenly so I had to add that in this and also wanted to give him some good things because you know


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst, found family, hurt/comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: death, mentions of suicide attempt  
> So I know we all tend to forget the timeline, especially pre-canon, but if miraculously you remember it (or like me research for hours for one scene) just imagine that Adam meets them a year later in this au :)

School was the most boring part of Ronan's life, but through it he met Gansey and Noah so it wasn't all that bad he guessed. They spent their days working on the Monmouth building Gansey had bought, piling garbage in the lot and burning it, making new and dangerous ramps for Noah to skateboard on. They visited the Barns where Mathew, and even Declan sometimes, played around with them. Ronan told them about Declan’s writing and showed them the drawing he had made for his story, which Declan always kept on his bookshelf. They also visited Noah's family and heard his childhood stories from his sisters— thankfully Ronan had remembered to warn his parents to not do that— During Gansey's family gatherings, Ronan and Noah would stand in a corner and make fun of everyone there while Gansey would be shaking hands and shit. 

So yeah it was going great and they would be visiting again this weekend which Ronan was really forward to as his father should also be coming back today after weeks. 

So that day, Ronan woke up early to greet his dad. Getting up from bed, he got ready quickly and ran down the stairs to check if his father had come back yet or not. 

But as he went out the house and made his way to the driveway, something felt wrong. There was an odd smell in the air, but before he could recognise it, he saw his father.

No.

No. no. no.

There was too much blood. There was- it couldn’t be- it wasn’t real- it had to be a nightmare. It was a nightmare. He would wake up. He  _ had _ to wake up.

He heard footsteps behind him and when his mother’s scream didn’t wake him up, he knew this was real. He fell down on his knees as the world crashed around him.

\---

The last week had been hell. Adam had never before felt his soulmate being this devastated. Sometimes, there would be a numb feeling but other times, there was so much pain and anger in his chest that he had to suck in a breath. He didn’t know what to do. He was never good at giving comfort, but he did what he could, he read his favourite books, he sat with the dog, but between school, jobs and his father, he didn’t know how much he helped. Adam felt helpless. Whenever he had been hurt, his soulmate had helped him, but now he was in so much pain and Adam couldn’t do anything. He tried to keep his own emotions as positive as he could and tried his best to not anger his father, because if he couldn’t help, he didn’t want to make it even worse.

But maybe he failed.

He had gone to sleep feeling a mixture of numbness and a turmoil of emotions in his chest, he had only been able to sleep from the sheer exhaustion because of the jobs. But as he woke up, he felt nothing in his chest. It wasn’t the numb feeling or even the flat one when the emotions hadn’t been that strong, it was just… nothing at all.

Adam sat up in panic. What had happened? Was his soulmate okay? What if…

Adam hugged his arms around his knees, willing his heart to stop racing. The lack of any feeling in his chest felt more crushing than the pain recently had been. Had he lost him? Was he one of the few people who lost their soulmate before even meeting them and spent their life with feeling nothing in their chest? What had happened to his soulmate?

He closed his eyes as he felt his eyes burning with tears. ‘Hello?’ he thought in his head but there was nothing. ‘Are you there?’ No headache, no feeling in his chest. ‘Say something, please.’ But nothing at all.

‘Please, be there. Please, come back,’ he thought over and over as his shoulders shook with suppressed sobs. He didn't know if losing your soulmate was always this painful, or if it was just his own heartbreak having nothing to do with their connection, but everything hurt; every breath choked his throat, his ribs felt like caging around his heart and there was a burning ache behind his eyes. He wanted the headache he had gotten when he talked to him, he wanted the feeling in his chest again, even the pain and anger, he wanted it back. He just wanted to feel him again. 

He bit his lips to stifle the sound as he cried, mourning for someone he had never meant but already grown so close to. 

\---

But he had to continue with his day since the world didn't stop for anyone, least of all Adam Parrish; he went through his jobs that day on autopilot, waiting for any hint of emotion in his chest.

Persephone, the owner of the Fox way coffee shop he worked at, noticed something was wrong as soon as he entered the shop.

“Adam, are you okay?” she asked.

She was the kindest woman he had ever met and he wanted to tell her what happened, but he knew if he would talk about it, it would make it real. And he wasn’t ready for that.  _ ‘I think my soulmate is dead,’ _ the words were running in his mind but he couldn’t say them. “Yeah,” he replied.

She gently held his arm and made him sit at a table. “You look more exhausted than ever. Is something the matter?”

He wanted to tell her. He wanted her to tell him everything would be okay. He just wanted to feel anything from his soulmate. “It’s okay,” he told her when it was the furthest thing from okay. “I just stayed awake preparing for a test,” he lied. “You know how those are.”

She placed a hand on his cheek and he subconsciously leaned towards it. “You can take the day off today, if you want.”

He shook his head. He couldn’t miss the day of work and if he didn’t have something to do, he didn't know what he would do in his quiet room. He didn’t want to sit in the dark with the emptiness in his chest and be reminded of everything that had happened. “No, it’s really fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“Well alright. Let me know if you need something.” She squeezed his shoulder comfortingly and he was hit with a want to just let himself break down and hug her. But he couldn’t do that so he gave her a tight smile and went to work.

Halfway through his shift, Blue came there as their shifts overlapped. She took one look at him and pulled him to the backroom, yelling at someone about taking a break. They had met when Adam started working here and instantly clicked and became friends. 

"What happened?" she asked. "You said they were out for this weekend?" 

She had found out about his home life some months ago, but he had made her promise not to tell anyone. She was the only person he talked to that about.

"They are," he replied. On any other day, he would have been so relieved that at least they weren't home, so he wouldn't make his soulmate feel worse, but now why did it matter? 

"Then what's the matter?" she asked. 

"I…" he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to think about it. But it hurt so much and he didn't know how to make it better. "I can't- I can't feel anything from my soulmate since the morning." 

Blue let out a gasp. "That's…" 

"They were feeling really upset for the past week, and- and I tried to help. But now they are-" he sucked in a breath. "I don't know what happened. And I couldn't help I'm-" 

"Adam, hey," Blue said gently. "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong." 

"What if I couldn't help or my- my feelings were too much and they-" he couldn't finish the sentence, but Blue understood as her eyes widened and she shook her head. 

"No, you can't blame yourself, Adam. I'm sure you did help them but you couldn't save them from themselves." 

Blue was right but that didn't stop Adam's guilt and regret. If he could've helped more, if he would have succeeded in talking to him again, maybe he would be here. 

"I can't- I don't wanna lose them," he admitted, closing his eyes against the sting. 

He felt Blue hug him tightly and he hugged her back, trying to focus on her warm embrace and not the void in his chest. 

"Come to my home today," she whispered against his chest. 

"Blue, I can't-" 

"Please," she said, pulling back to look up at him with glistening eyes. "I want to be here for you. And Percephone would love it if you visited. Or we could go to your home. I don't know. I just wanna be with you." 

He wanted to tell her that she didn't need to feel like she had to help him. He would be fine on his own. But her face was sincere and he realised she wasn't saying this out of obligation. So he agreed and breathed deeply as she hugged him again. 

Her house was close to the shop so after their shifts, they just walked there. As they entered, Adam was greeted by the others enthusiastically and he would never not be surprised at how they genuinely seemed to like his presence. Every time he had met them in the coffee shop or when he hung out with Blue here, they were overwhelming in the best way. 

“Mom, can Adam stay here tonight?” Blue asked Maura. “I need his help in studying.”

Adam would tell her that she didn't need to give an excuse for him, but Maura said, “Of course he can, but you should invite him more often, not just to help you.” 

“Noted.” Blue said, taking two cups of yogurt from the fridge and leading Adam to a somewhat quiet corner in the living room to eat. 

They ate mostly in silence, watching Blue’s younger cousins roaming here and there. They did also end up studying a bit before they went to dinner, which in itself was an experience. There were so many conversations and laughing that for the first time that day, Adam found himself truly distracted. There would always be a part of him that would wonder what it would be like to have a family like this and ache for it. But for now he told himself to be content with this and listened to them tell embarrassing stories about Blue’s childhood. 

After dinner, he offered Persephone help in washing the dishes and after some insistence, she agreed, and so they stood side by side doing the dishes. 

“I assume talking to Blue helped?” she asked after a while.

Adam nodded. “It did.”

“I'm glad.” She finished the last dish and dried her hands. “You know we’re always here for you, right? All of us,” she said, looking up at him with a warm gaze.

Something inside him settled at the words. “I'm starting to believe that,” he said honestly.

“Good,” she said with her gentle smile, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Now do you wanna help me make my special pie?”

“Sure,” he said and they got to work. 

Later that night, as he laid on a spare mattress beside Blue’s bed, he whispered, “Thank you for this, Blue.”

She leaned down from the edge to look at him. “You don't have to thank me. I just did what any friend would do.”

“Well you’re my first real friend,” he said. 

“You're my first real friend too,” Blue said and Adam must have looked as surprised as he felt as she said, “I never really felt this close to anyone before.” She let her arm hang from the side to hold his hand. “Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we grew up together.”

“Me too,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady, and squeezed her hand. “Though we would probably just annoy each other all the time like you and Orla.”

“We would be fighting over yogurt all the time,” she said with a small laugh. “And you’d definitely be everyone’s favourite and I would be so jealous.”

“That's not true,” he said softly. His throat felt constricted with the tears he tried to swallow back. Would there ever be a point in his life when thinking about being a part of Blue’s family wouldn't be so bittersweet?

“Oh please,” Blue said. “You're already Persephone’s favorite and Calla’s too I'm sure.”

He shut his eyes briefly against the flood of emotions and Blue’s hand stilled in his. “Should I have not talked about this? Sorry I-”

“It's okay,” he said, opening his eyes. “It's just a lot to take in I guess.” 

“Well I’ll have to keep saying it until you believe it.”

He gave her a small smile, hoping that she understood how much that meant to him.

“I'm glad you came here today,” she said. “It was nice.”

“Me too,” he murmured.

“Are you feeling sleepy or do you want me to talk about something? Orla says I'm boring so my talking makes her sleep.”

“Can you talk for sometime? I don't-”  _ I don't want this night to end yet. I don't want to think about him again yet. _

“Sure,” she said and began talking about random stuff that kept his attention until his eyes grew heavy and he drifted off to sleep to her voice and her hand still holding his.

\---

He woke up disoriented at first before he remembered yesterday’s events and for a moment, he hoped he would feel something in his chest again, but there was still nothing so he diminished the hope and got up. 

As he stood up, Blue also woke up, grumbling a sleepy, “Morning”. 

“Good morning,” he said, trying to put on a smile. 

He wasn't sure if he didn't succeed or she just knew him that well to look past it as she kneeled up on the bed and wrapped her arms around his neck. “It's too early to wake up on a sunday,” she huffed and he was grateful that she didn't talk about it.

“We have a shift at the Foxway,” he reminded her, returning her embrace. 

“They keep the shift too early,” she groaned. 

“It's literally your aunt’s shop,” he said, grateful for this momentary distraction. 

“Whatever.”

They insisted Adam have breakfast with them, which was again full of chatter and Adam felt privileged to be a part of it. Then they went to the Foxway for the shift and he made himself focus on the task at hand and nothing else. 

But his shift ended too soon and he biked back to his house for lunch before his shift at Boyd's. As he parked the bike against the trailer, he instinctively looked around for the dog to help his soulmate before he remembered that it wouldn’t work now and dropped his forehead against the wall to steady himself. His parents weren't home yet so he tried to just focus on the relief. 

_ It is okay _ , he repeated to himself.  _ You should have known it was too good to be true. You should have been prepared for it to end. Nothing is going to come out of being devastated over it. Stop it. Just stop thinking. _

But being away from Blue’s family, it was hard to think about anything other than the emptiness in his chest. He didn't know what to do now. 

Wiping his eyes roughly, he started to walk towards the door, when suddenly he felt something in his chest. He stumbled in shock, a gasp leaving his lips. There was a mixture of guilt and anger in his chest, and his knees almost gave out from relief. He slid down against the wall and closed his eyes as tears fell down his cheeks. 

_ He was here.  _

_ He was okay _ .

He heard a low bark and blinked open his eyes to see the dog running towards him. She licked his teary cheeks and nuzzled against his hair.

“I was so scared,” he told her, voice shaking. “I thought he- fuck.”

She cuddled against him, and taking a deep breath, he tried to focus on the relief and happiness he felt, hoping it would help his soulmate too. He needed to talk to him.

\---

Ronan woke up to blinding lights above him. He blinked a few times to let his eyes adjust to the light and realised he was in a hospital. As blurry memories from yesterday came back to him, he looked down at his arms to see them covered in bandages and clenched his hands in fists.

Gansey and Declan were there, looking relieved, but the conflicting emotions on their face told him that they would say something he wasn’t ready to hear yet.

“I can’t right now,” he said hoarsely, closing his eyes again.

He heard Declan breath sharply and Gansey’s pained “Ronan”, but he shook his head. “Please, just…”

For a moment he was afraid they wouldn't leave, but then he heard their receding footsteps and the door closing behind him as guilt and anger at himself filled him. After seeing his dad lying there in so much blood, the only thing keeping him afloat had been his mother who stayed like a rock for the first three days, but when she passed out suddenly and the doctor said she was in a coma, the last thin thread holding him up had snapped. What if she never woke up? Was he an orphan now?

But as he started to spiral down these thoughts, there was a rushing relief and happiness in his chest, briefly distracting him from everything at the moment and he wondered what his soulmate was doing the past day? How long had Ronan been here? Had he felt anything from Ronan? Had he thought Ronan had died? He hadn't thought of his soulmate the past week because everything felt too hopeless and painful, and now he felt more guilty. His soulmate didn't deserve this. 

But he clung to the feeling in his chest, feeling lighter than he had in weeks. Was he really this happy to feel something from Ronan again? Wasn’t he fed up with having to deal with Ronan's anger the past weeks?

He opened his eyes and looked down at the bandages again, shame warring in his chest. Everything was so fucked up. Wouldn't his soulmate be better off without Ronan's pain? Wouldn't Gansey and Noah be better off without worrying about Ronan all the time? Wouldn't Declan and Mathew's life be better without their destructive brother? 

But his thoughts halted as there was that voice in his head again then, the Henrietta accent rolling around the words as he said,  _ “I'm here. I don’t know what's happening but I'm sorry. I wish I could help.” _

Ronan’s throat welled and he shut his eyes against the emotions. It was too much, knowing that he not only felt Ronan’s pain but he wanted to help too.

_ ‘Thank you,’ _ he thought back, wincing at the sharp pain in his head.  _ ‘And you're helping.’ _

“ _ I… _ ” he drifted off and Ronan thought he might have imagined the word, but then he continued, _ “I thought I lost you.” _

Ronan sucked in a sharp breath at the words and the fear he could hear in the voice.  _ ‘I’m sorry,’ _ he thought back.

There was something like  _ “Don’t be” _ but Ronan couldn’t hear clearly and his head was aching badly now. He closed his eyes and thought over the words again and again until he memorized them in his heart.

After a moment of just laying there, taking deep breaths, the door opened and Noah walked in, looking paler than usual. He sat down on the edge on the bed, smiling faintly at Ronan. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Ronan said, trying to sit up but then he winced at the sudden dizziness. 

“Careful,” Noah said, helping him sit up, and brought a glass of water for him. “Declan and Gansey went to call the nurse.”

“Okay,” Ronan mumbled, drinking the water. He remembered that the last thing he had seen before losing consciousness was Noah's stricken face. “I’m sorry.”

Noah shook his head. “It’s not your fault, Ronan. Just know we’re here for you, okay? You can talk to us.”

“I know. I just…”  _ Didn’t know how to go on. Didn't know how to make this pain stop. Didn't know what to do _ . “I didn’t know what to say.”

Noah didn’t say anything, just nodded in understanding.

“Noah, can I ask you something?” he asked after a brief moment of hesitation.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have a soulmate?”

Noah looked taken back by the sudden question, but he nodded.

"How long?" 

"Two years," Noah replied. 

"Have you ever talked to them?" Ronan asked. 

"No. I tried sometimes when they would be really upset or scared, but it didn't work. What about you?” Noah asked.

“I knew since I was eight.”

“Whoa that’s a long time,” Noah said.

“Yeah.”

“Have you ever talked?” 

Ronan nodded. “Once before, and just now.”

“Really?” Noah asked in surprise. “I heard that’s very hard.”

“It is,” Ronan said. “I tried many times but I can never start it. His concentration is better than mine I guess.”

“Oh, that’s nice. What did he say?”

“He… he thought he lost me… How long was I here?"

"Over a day," Noah replied slowly. 

If he wouldn't have felt anything for a day, Ronan would have been terrified. Was he selfish for putting his soulmate through this because he wanted to escape from the pain? What would have happened if Noah hadn't found him? Would his soulmate be alone forever? Ronan would never be able meet him. He would never see his mother wake up again. He would never see Mathew's smile again.

“I- I didn’t mean to scare him- I didn't think…”

“You shouldn't blame yourself for scaring him,” Noah said. “No matter how scared he was, I’m sure he’s relieved. I mean you can feel that.”

“Yeah,” Ronan murmured. The relief and happiness in his chest was still so strong. “I…I don’t think I’ve ever felt him being this relieved and happy.” The revelation shocked him; he knew that his soulmate had a tough life, he had felt it since they were eight, but there had been light and happy moments in between, but it was never like this.

“That means you must be very important to him,” Noah said with a small smile.

“I guess,” Ronan said.

Noah shifted to sit beside him and placed his head on Ronan’s shoulder carefully. “And for what it’s worth, I’m also very happy that you’re okay. We all are.”

_ Maybe one day I'll believe that _ , Ronan thought and closing his eyes, put his head on Noah’s. “Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always feel that I suck at writing angst so sorry if it's not that good

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first long fic for this fandom so I'm really excited (and terrified) Kudos and comments mean the world! And you can find me on Tumblr [ here ](https://of-stars-and-moon.tumblr.com/)


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